Changes

I'm contemplating some big changes for my mind, body, and spirit.  Correction: I'm not contemplating.  I'll be doing.  Starting tomorrow.  April 1st.  (Have to be able to enjoy Easter and all its sugary glory!)

I'm going to try to type this in a way that is not all jumbled and misunderstood.

Two fall seasons ago I began losing weight.  I lost quite a bit.  I got a lot of attention, comments, and praise.  I felt great.  I bought size 10 jeans and thought I looked pretty hot in them.

Then spring of last year came, and I started a huge project at school that sits me in front of the computers for hours.  I'm not being dramatic.  I create the entire school yearbook online, and it takes HOURS.  I like doing it, but it took a toll on me.  How did I cope?  I ate jellybeans.  Not kidding.  Bags and bags and bags of jellybeans.  The good ones: Starburst flavor, Jolly Rancher flavor, SweetTart flavor.  All the fancy flavored ones that you only see at Easter time.

I didn't stop eating them.  And once Easter was over, I just sort of kept on eating.  Anything sweet.  Anything savory.  Lots of sugary soda.

Pretty soon I was back up to and higher than when I started two falls ago.

Here comes the self deprecating part: I feel like a failure, ugly, old, worthless, I have no energy, I'm cranky, I'm moody, I feel sexless, and I feel hopeless.  This extra weight has influenced my job, my marriage, and my ability to be a mom.  Let me be clear and explain how those three aspects of my life have been affected.

Job - I feel as though I am under constant pressure.  In a way, I am.  Aren't we all at our jobs?  When I am eating right and exercising, I can handle the pressure in a much more mature way than crying.  Yep, sitting in the principal's office crying. Pathetic.  I want to be perceived as being able to handle what comes my way without blubbering about it.  It's okay to feel stress and pressure, but I don't like my response to it.  I also tend to "go into myself" when I'm feeling down.  Who wants a coworker that is happy and cheerful one day and sullen the next?  Not me...but I feel like I've been that coworker.

Marriage - My husband has loved me to pieces since the day we first emailed each other after meeting on Match.com.  He loves me skinny or fat.  He loves me happy or grouchy.  (He prefers happy!)  So how did this unhealthy phase of my life affect my marriage?  It did because "I" am the one who changed.  I don't love myself, so how can I expect my husband to love me?  I certainly don't feel sexy.  Since this is a public site (and there are no doubt 3 people who read this blog!) I'll leave it at that.  My husband always wants me.  I have a hard time understanding why.

Parent - I love my kids more than my life, but I yell a lot.  I am impatient.  The kids are 8 and 5.  They are little boys.  Yet, I tend to expect too much at times.  Mornings are awful when I'm sluggish and they don't move fast.  Then I'm screaming like a maniac that we are going to be late.  Evenings are painful when they are tired and whiny, and I don't have the energy to want to entertain them.  We have discipline issues lately...and I have to wonder if my attitude and health might play a role in that.

Just the other day I was thinking back to one of my happiest memories with my little family.  I know exactly when it was.  Two years ago today.  Two Easters ago.  We spent the first part of the holiday at church with my mom and then took off to Monterey for a few days of vacation.  We arrived at the coast in the late afternoon. We got out of the car and played soccer as a family on a big grassy field.  I was in great shape, my husband was in great shape, and the kids LOVED the fact that we ran around and played with them for over an hour.  We laughed and ran and laughed some more.  BEST memory.  Could I do that now?  Not even close.  And that makes me sad.

One more issue that is very bothersome to me.  Getting dressed.  I don't like shopping when I am this heavy.  I don't feel like anything looks good.  I hate spending money on "fat" clothes.  Very few things in my closet fit me well.  I HATE getting dressed in the morning.  I wear clothes to work that I would never buy at the store because they don't fit, but I have to wear them because they are all I have.  I look ridiculous.  I worry that people pity me.  I worry that people are wondering why I don't wear clothes that fit better.  Things don't zip all the way, things are too snug, and things are bulky and shapeless.  It is hard to have the motivation to keep other things looking nice such as hair and makeup.  I have two pairs of shoes that I wear to exhaustion.  We have enough money for me to purchase things...I just don't want to.  Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it?  In any case, getting dressed is one of the worst parts for me about being heavy.  On vacations, I tend to wear the same elastic pants or shorts over and over.  It's sad.  I'm sad.

So what is changing?  My attitude for one.  I'm going to try to keep this plan simple.  Exercise and eat healthy.  That doesn't mean cut out sugar.  I know that would derail me in a heartbeat.  One rule is that I need to give up soda.  There is a very specific reason for that.  If I drink soda, then it is all I want.  I will drink soda to the exclusion of every other liquid.  No water, no milk, nothing.  Just soda.  That's just not healthy.  That is the only food or drink item I'll be refusing myself.

Another rule is to count my Weight Watcher points NO MATTER WHAT!  If I can't measure it, don't eat it.  No food is off limits, but I need to know exactly how much I'm eating.  I will do the best I can when it comes to eating out, which I plan to limit, but no more randomly grabbing chips, pretzels, jellybeans, etc. out of a bag.  I'm going to eat all of my daily points, weekly extra points, and exercise points.  I'm not sure if I'll go back to meetings, but it is an option if I choose.  Another possibility is to get the Active Link system that WW is selling at the moment.

The last component is exercise.  I must exercise for two reasons.  One is to lose weight and gain health.  The other is mental stability.  As hard as it is to admit, I get depressed when I don't exercise.  Very depressed.  I cry a lot.  It's all connected: lack of exercise, gain in weight, feeling of despair due to lack of exercise and gaining weight.  It's not rocket science, but I seem to think it is due to the way I am treating myself.  I'll start building my running base back up, I want to do my Insanity DVD's, and I want to get back to my weights to sculpt my muscles.  I want to work out six days a week.

The last thing that has been running through my brain is a tangible goal to work towards.  We are planning a week long trip to San Diego this summer.  We are going to Sea World, zoo, Legoland, etc.  It's going to be hot and sunny.  I'm going to be in shorts.  I want to feel good in those shorts.  I'm sure we might go to the beach for a day.  I am guessing there will be swimming at a hotel or at least hot tub nights for my honey and me!  I want to buy a new bathing suit for the first time in YEARS!  I want to feel good in that bathing suit.  This gives me four and a half months to reach a certain goal.  I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'll be at goal in four and a half months, but by the time we go to San Diego, I want to be less than 150 pounds and I want to be a single size of clothing (8 or less).  I think these goals are reasonable and attainable.

To summarize:
No excuses.
Work out six days a week.
Give up soda.
Track all food.

Sounds easy.  Hmmmph.  But it is very necessary.

I know this is a rambling and lengthy post.  It was for me to get on "paper" what I am thinking and feeling.  And I hope to be feeling better very, very soon.

Heather