Day 2 and 3 of 80 Day Obsession

Starting out Day 2 was a little rougher than Day 1. I was tired, I knew I had a 60-minute workout in front of me, and I was sore.  

But I completed the workout.  Not well, but I finished and kept moving the whole time.

I should have taken a picture of me struggling with my resistance bands. I think I worked up more of a sweat trying to do that than anything else.  And the bands kept rolling on me and they hurt as they dug into my legs.  I'm hoping the bands get easier to adjust and maneuver.

Right now I prop my iPad on the coffee table to watch the workout. It's good for now, but Eric ordered an Apple TV to convert our tv in the family room so I can watch my workouts on that. (I'm on the floor dying as I shot this upward camera angle!)

Struggling!

You can see the green band around my thighs. Painful.

I want to take a "self-love" photo each day. I forgot to take one earlier in the day, so this was at the end of the day after I took my contacts out.

After completing my evening "routine." I use the word lightly because it hasn't been a routine all that long. I take all my makeup off with a wipe. Then I floss, rub night cream on my face, brush my teeth, and then apply undereye cream. I like to intersperse the creams so one has a chance to "set."  I don't know if this thinking is accurate, but it makes sense to me. Finally I swish with mouthwash. I really want to see if super hyped up dental care will make my next appointment less drastic.

Wal Mart branch makeup removers. They work pretty well.

Night cream and undereye cream.

No makeup in this photo. Freshly washed and lotioned. I feel like the large dark spot on my cheek is less noticeable when I am consistent with washing and lotions.

DAY 3

My look says it all. Cardio Core was intense. Notice the time on the clock.  And that is the time I finished my workout!

My favorite breakfast starts with tiny diced potatoes in a beautiful new pan.

There's a whole lot of food prep going on over there. Wednesdays are my hardest days because I have to make breakfast and plan ahead for both a lunch and a dinner since I have college class this night. It isn't too bad if I plan ahead. If I don't plan, I'm scrambling. I've got it down to a decent science. With prepping ahead, I was able to make a full breakfast, lunch, and dinner in about 20 minutes flat.

So much food on one plate, but all Whole30 compliant. (I'm not doing an official Whole30, but want to eat that way when possible because I know how good it makes me feel.)

Harry got in some snuggles while I ate my breakfast.

Sweet little dog.

You saw my breakfast. Lunch is cut up thin rib-eye steak, cucumbers, tomatoes, cantaloupe, and pineapples. Dinner is in the green bowl and it's a giant salad that includes: spinach, broccoli slaw, cabbage slaw, tomatoes, black olives, chicken, cashews, almond slices, red and yellow peppers, cucumbers, and Whole30 compliant ranch dressing. I probably won't be able to eat it all at school tonight.

Finally for today, my self-love picture.

80 Day Obsession

Today was Day 1 of Beach Body's 80-Day Obsession. I completed Day 1. Only 79 more to go.

Another piece of self care for me is taking time to do hair, makeup, and jewelry. It all adds together to help me feel more confident and ready to tackle the day.

I will not be posting before pictures. All you get is the picture I took of myself after getting ready this morning. I may never post pictures because I'm just too embarrassed about how I have let myself go. 

However, with that being said, I am trying really hard not to be too down on myself.  I'm trying to just be neutral to positive and realistic with the situation. There are many reasons why I gained weight and lost any semblance of being in shape.

I hate that it happened, but it did. The more important thing is what am I going to do moving forward?

I don't want to enter my late 40s and 50s with aches, pains, and problems. I'd like to be able to run, hike, and climb stairs!  I want to have energy.  I want to be able to handle life's ups and downs without turning to food for comfort.

So, I completed Day 1 of this program. I will finish it. Starting today puts Day 80 on the Fourth of July!  How cool is that?!  I am making this promise to show up for myself each and every day. I deserve to give myself an hour of time to improve my health, mood, and outlook.

It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it to look back in 80 days and know that I finished what I set out to do.

I'm still working on the food side of it. My plan is to follow a mostly Whole30 approach to food. I still have had no soda since Dec.31. Yes, I miss it every single day. I'm not one of those who says I'm not missing anything. I miss it every SINGLE day.

I made sure to eat a Whole30 favorite breakfast of mine. Chicken apple sausauge, peppers, onions, and potatoes and a pinch of coconut oil to cook it all in.

Got my lunch prepared and ready for the day.

And I prepped chicken and steak so that lunches are easy to throw together for the rest of the week.

Day 1 of this adventure. I hope to see that consistency will pay off.

Spring Break Self-Care Health Update

After posting two days ago, I wanted to check in with myself and see what, if any, progress I have made in self-care.

In my mind, progress is made in tiny baby steps. So, for the past two days I have done the following:

-made my bed each day
-put on makeup each day
-removed my makeup at the end of the day
-used face lotion/eye cream morning and night
-did my hair each day
-dyed my hair to remove gray (heading back to red and have put this off forever!)
-flossed and brushed my teeth each night (had a long dentist appt on Wednesday that always gets me motivated to have better teeth habits)
-exercised: We ordered Beachbody On Demand so I can literally choose from hundreds of workouts. On Wednesday I did Cize Crazy 8's and on Thursday I did 21-Day Extreme Upper Body Strength.

Just dyed hair. Even though I used the color "True Red," my hair is still pretty dark. It'll take a few rounds before the red really starts to show as red. If you look at my roots, you can see the red-ness.

Proof of self-care...hair is dyed/styled, makeup is on, teeth are clean, bed is made!

My exercise plan is to do something each day. It can be as simple as a walk or stretching and as intense as a program. On this coming Wednesday, I'm going to start the five-day Obsession plan to get ready for 80-Day Obsession that I plan to start on April 16. There is an instagram account that I follow and the girl is going through 80 days starting on the 16th, so I want to start on the same day.

I feel better when I exercise. I know it makes me better.  Not much else can be said about that. Gotta do it. Even when my brain begs me to stay in bed. Gotta do it.  I never finish a workout and say gee, I wish I had skipped that. Gotta do it.

Next step is food. Working on it.

I gave up soda for the year. It was my new year's resolution. I have not cheated. I want soda every day. Over three months in to no soda and the craving is as strong as ever. I don't understand people who say the craving disappears. It hasn't for me.

The next thing I need to give up is candy. And sugar. It does nothing for me. I'm starting that today. No more candy or sweet treats for the rest of the year. (I just finished off the bags of candy I bought last night.)

Friday morning. Hair is not done...yet. I have a doctor appointment. Let's just say that being a female and getting older are not always fun. This appointment will give me options for the next steps in getting older and dealing with health changes. Sigh.

I think these are some good starts for "Project Feel Better Heather."  The name clearly needs to be a work in progress!

Goodness gracious! It has been almost four years since I posted anything on this blog.

So why am I posting today?

Because I need a space to write about things that only relate to me. But first, for my own sake of catching up, let me recap the last four years and compare them to where I was back in July of 2014!

Four years ago I was still in my 30's...granted, I was 39, but that counts! I think at that time I still believed that with just a little bit of effort, I could easily lose weight. I don't think that anymore. I know how hard it is. I know that motivation comes and goes. I know that determination is a better character trait.

Four years ago, my kids were 9 and 6. They were not able to stay home by themselves at that point like they can now. I drove a minivan. Now I drive a Honda Civic named Snowflake! I was teaching 8th grade (still am). Eric and I were coming up on our 11th anniversary (soon to be 15). Since that time, I have a new car, Eric rides a Goldwing Motorcycle, I have started back to school working on my Administrative Credential, and our oldest will be in high school in less than five months.

Evan on yearbook picture day. I used to make fun of parents (in my head) when they got all emotional about their kids growing up, graduating, or moving onto the next grade. Shame on me! I'll never do that again. If there is one thing that getting older is teaching me, it is to not judge others for how they deal with their life.

Our Christmas pajama photo. Not that you can tell any of us are in pajamas.

A rare photo where I like how I look. I was getting ready for Halloween where I was Mrs. Potato Head. On one hand, I loved my costume because it was easy. On the other hand, I never seem to feel worthy of the "princess" or "pretty" costumes because I'm not pretty enough or small enough or dainty enough. I do this every year. I've been the witch, the potato, the dragon, etc. One year I was Wendy Darling, but it still wasn't Tinker Bell. This new round of posting is hopefully going to help me get through these feelings of self doubt and disregard.

Another random day where I felt almost pretty. Hair curled, makeup on, but hating my body. Another thing I have noticed lately is that I look older. Or at least I feel like I look older. I feel like in one year I have aged three years. The wrinkles are more noticeable. The sun spots are darker and spreading. The pores are bigger. I just feel like no matter what I do, I still look old underneath the hair and makeup. That is hard for me.

A new development in our life is riding the motorcycle. Eric uses it to commute to work, but we like to head out on weekends together. Shocking fact: I got my motorcycle license and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

When Eric upgraded his motorcycle to the Goldwing, I decided to take a course to get my license so I could ride the VTX. I'm amazed I passed the course because I was really bad!  But I did. Then I took the test at the DMV and FAILED! I was mortified, embarrassed, and did not want to go back, but I had to. Two sons were looking at me to see how I would handle this setback/failure/discouragement. I studied and tried again...and passed with 100%! Then I took the VTX to the parking lot at the high school, and decided I don't really want to ride my own bike. I like being on the back of Eric's bike. I'll let him do the worrying. Maybe someday I'll be ready to handle a bike on my own. In the meantime, we sold the VTX. If I do ride on my own, I'd like something a little bit smaller.

I'm really proud of myself for sticking it out and doing something WAAAAAAY out of the box for me. I didn't give up. That was huge.

Another big change for me is going back to school. I'm about a month away from completing the first semester. My partner teacher and I go to class every Wednesday and every other Monday. We had spring break last week, and it was so weird being home on a Wednesday. I didn't know what to do with myself.

Okay, so why am I here?  Why am I attempting to revive this blog?  It isn't for anyone but me. Yes, it's public, but that's okay.

This concept of self-care has really been resonating with me lately and I need to realize exactly what that means. I used to think it meant selfishly taking time to be by myself. I realize that it is a lot more than that. I was spending time alone, but I was doing things that did not contribute to better care for myself. Eating sugar and drinking soda while binge watching Netflix is not exactly self-care! Here are some things that it means to me:

• Exercise - for weight loss and for emotional stability. When I get stressed, I spin into a bit of depression. Exercise is one of the best ways for me to avoid this. Exercise helps me deal with the stress in the first place.
• Eating right - same as above. I have been through two official rounds of Whole30 and two more partial rounds. Each time I feel a sense of clarity when I eat healthy food choices.
• Avoid sugar - this is probably my biggest problem. It adds to weight, depression, anxiety, and stress. It does nothing but control me. It is an addiction.
• Hair - when I don't "style" my hair in the morning I feel frumpy and not as confident. Also, when I let my gray get noticeable because I don't want to take the time to dye it, that adds to the frumpiness. It's an endless cycle. I feel frumpy because I don't do my hair, but not doing my hair makes me feel frumpy. And when I feel frumpy, I don't want to take care of myself. And so on.
• Makeup - same as hair. I feel better when I take the time to do my makeup. I feel more confident. I feel more put together. I am not trying to cover up my face, but enhance it and feel better about myself.
• Eyebrows - I really need to make appointments to have these puppies waxed regularly.
• Proper time to get schoolwork done - when I leave things to the last minute, it adds to the stress and anxiety on top of all my other responsibilities.
• Pleasure reading - I read 130 books last year. I think I've read 7 this year. I have gotten too busy with school, but I think with a little planning, I can fit it into small pockets of time to do something that is really important to me. I won't be anywhere near 130 books, but that doesn't mean I should give up altogether.

It should be noted that the only thing I really LOVE on this list is the last one. All the other ones are things I know I should do to make myself feel better. And when I feel better, I keep up with all those things!

I'm on Spring Break right now. I still got up at 4 a.m, worked on some college work and then did a 30-minute workout. We just subscribed to Beach Body On Demand. I want to use it enough to justify the price. (It was not crazy expensive, but still, I don't want to waste the money.) I did Cize Crazy 8's. It was pretty cool. I huffed and puffed. The best part is that I don't have to drive to the gym. That literally adds 30 minutes to the exercise process: 15 minutes there and 15 minutes home. If I do the workouts at home, I really don't have much of an excuse. And I can look as goofy as I want from mismatched clothes to crazy arms flailing about while I pretend to dance.

I got my exercise ring on my Apple Watch this morning and had enough motivation to write a blog post here and on my family blog. That's good progress!

Here's to hoping I come back and post frequently about my progress.

Yoga and a Dog

I am not very good at yoga.  I am definitely not very good at yoga when Buddy is trying to kiss me!

That's okay.  I got up, got the 30 minutes done, and am moving on with my day.

I start the next round of intense exercise for my plan on Sunday.

Putting Myself "Out There"

We use that phrase a lot..."putting yourself out there."  But what does that really mean?  For me it means that I just went very public with my desire to be a more fit and healthier version of myself.  It means I have shared on Facebook in a very public way that I am trying to lose weight, eat right, and be accountable to myself and my family.

It also means that I want to help people.  I want to support others in their fitness goals as others have helped me.

 I am pretty excited about all these X's.  They mean that I have been consistent in working out.  They mean that I have not given up even when I've been tired, or cranky, or lifeless, or bloated, or any number of other excuses.  These X's mean that I'm changing my life through the power of consistency.

I really like the Beachbody P90X3 workout DVDs.  I like that they are tough.  I know I'm getting a good work out.  I also like that they are only 30 minutes, because let's face it, time is at a minimum.  I am not bored at all, and Tony Horton makes me smile.  He's pretty funny.  I think those are some good qualities in an exercise DVD.

And these suckers are helping me do that as well.  My little three pound weight in the middle is the one I used this morning to do a cardiovascular workout.  You wouldn't think that holding an itty bitty 3 pound weight would be any big deal, but OH MY GOSH does it ever make a difference!  Sweat city!

*Honest moment - I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, because I'm not perfect in any way, and I'm still working on getting my food intake into a healthy balance.  However, I know I'm getting stronger.  My balance and muscles are more noticeable.  I can do push up on my toes!  I couldn't do that 4 weeks ago!

Lazy Sunday

Woke up this morning to get ready for church.  It was the first Sunday of the month which is OLPH Student day.  The students basically do all the parts of the Mass and we try to get as many students as possible to wear their uniforms.  Hudson sat with us, but Evan likes to be an usher.  He likes taking the collection money back to the sacristy.

Friends sitting by us at Mass asked if we wanted to get lunch at Dog House Grill.  Of course!  I've been craving Dog House Grill for weeks now, but every time we go there, the parking lot is full and it is a pain to find parking elsewhere or jockey for a table.  Finally, I got my tri tip salad with delicious ranch.  Worth it!

This is what I normally eat there, a tri tip sandwich and fries, but I soooooo wanted the tri tip salad instead.  Those fries dipped in ranch are amazing!  Hit the spot this afternoon.

The rest of the day was spent sleeping.  I was just so wiped out all day.  I watched tv, slept, watched more tv, and read blogs.

I did, however, get on the elliptical a bit ago and got in a pretty decently hard 30 minute workout.  Now I'm tired and ready for a quick bath and bed.  It's a good thing that night workouts don't rev me up.  I could easily drop off to sleep right now.

I am planning to go to trampoline class tomorrow.  I ate limited sugar today.  Feeling good.  Heading in the right direction.

June: Fresh Start...again!

I'm not sure how faithful I'll be at posting, but it is June 1, school is almost out, and I always get better about tracking my life when I'm on vacation.

We had the 8th grade graduation today.  Sniff.  I'm not sure how those kids got to be 14 and all grown up.  Because of switching from teaching 3rd grade to 7th grade to 8th grade, I've had the pleasure of teaching some of these kiddos for three years!  I love them and will miss them terribly next year.

These two boys are twins, and their mom in the middle is one of my best friends.  I'll miss them, but I also plan to hang out at their house by the pool for a large chunk of the summer!

Love, love, love this girl!  Her little brother is my 8-year-old's best friend.  I'll miss her, but I'll see her at plenty of future soccer games.  That's me pictured with her.  My husband said it was a nice picture of me.  I don't love it, but I don't hate it.  Meh.  There's a goal: look better in photos...especially since I'm the 8th grade teacher and have to be in MANY photos throughout the year.

As for health and fitness goals, I've got some plans.  There are some pure and basic things I know:

1. I feel better when I exercise.  By "feel better" I mean that it helps me with mood stabilization (i.e. helps me avoid depression).  Feel better also means more confidence, more energy, more self esteem, more positiveness.

2. I am addicted to sugar.  Sugar is bad.  I don't handle moderation very well.  I am an all or nothing personality.  I must avoid sugar as much as possible.

I gave up sugar a few weeks ago and hung in there for about three weeks.  One of the nicest compliments I got was someone telling me I looked young and happy!  There are other benefits to avoiding sugar.  I naturally gravitate to healthier choices of food because eliminating sugar eliminates a LOT of bad choices.  My digestion is improved.  Lacking a gallbladder makes my digestive system a bit wonky, so healthier eating is key for me.

I need to decide that the hassle (at times) and temptation of eating healthy and exercising is far worth it over a lack of energy, poor digestion, and depression.  It seems like a no brainer, but I can pretty easily convince myself happiness and comfort can be found inside a bottle of Pepsi and bag of jelly beans.  It's always a sad ending, however. Happiness and comfort do NOT live there.  They live in chicken and salad!!  Just kidding!

I just finished a pretty easy workout.  One minute jogging spurts for a total of nine minutes of jogging and 22 minutes of walking.  Easy as it was, I got sweaty and I instantly have better spirits.

I want to feel healthy and strong.  And better.  BETTER!

Train

The kids and I boarded Amtrak today to go to Hanford, see Dad, and eat ice cream.  We had a good day.

Before we left, I got on the treadmill.  It felt good.  I worked out for a total of 44 minutes, 15 of those jogging at a 4.0 pace.  Super slow, but it doesn't matter.  I'm moving my butt.

I gotta admit, though, eating that ice cream has left me wanting to snack all afternoon.  As we speak, I am trying to resist the Cadbury eggs sitting on my counter.  It's not a problem for me to have them, but I already had ice cream.  If I do have them, I'm going to count them.

Good things: tracked all my food, drank water, exercised.  Good habits.  Feeling good.

Trampoline

All the public schools around here take their Easter Vacation the week before Easter.  We take ours the week after.  It's one of my favorite times of the year when EVERYONE else is back to school, and we have the week to ourselves.

Since Hudson was sick on Thursday, I kept us all home on Good Friday and we vegged. Saturday was Easter with my mom and sister.  Sunday was Easter here as a family.

And today I decided to get the kiddos and myself out of the house and go check out a new trampoline arena.  I'm not sure how long it's been open, but it is a whole lot closer to my house than the other major arena in Fresno.  It is literally a few blocks (large city blocks) away.  Plus, a friend works there, so it was fun to talk to her and catch up.

We stayed for two hours.  I jumped.  The kids jumped, flipped, played dodge ball, ran, hurled their body off into a foam pit, and had a blast.  I really enjoyed myself as well.  I probably jumped for an hour out of the two we were there.  Jump a little.  Take a break.  Jump some more.  Take a break.  It is really fun and fairly easy to jump on a trampoline.  The momentum of the springs sort of propels you back up without having to use all energy.  Plus, it's easy on the joints.  I like that.

My kids were racing and hopping all over the place as though they'd been doing this for years.  I was a bit more timid.  I was scared to jump from one tramp to the other.  I had to step gingerly. There were 30 large trampolines in a huge grid.  The place is pretty big.  There is also a dodge ball area with 12 trampolines, a foam pit with three trampolines, and a toddler area with four trampolines.  At times there were a lot of people, but I never felt like I didn't have room to jump.

By the time we left, I was cautiously hopping over the pads from one tramp to the other.  I'm really glad I wore the extra support bra.

We came home and I made a huge salad with grilled chicken and blue cheese.  I was proud of myself because the kids had mac n cheese, and I so badly wanted to take a few bites from the serving spoon, but I didn't.

I counted my jumping as 7 points, but I'm not sure how accurate that is.  That is where the Active Link would be really helpful in assessing how many points I have earned.  I get a little Type A about stuff like that.  I want to know exactly how many points I've earned.  I don't want to guess.  They have EVERY type of activity you can think of in the Weight Watcher Activity Chart, but not trampoline.

I considered coming home and doing the run I had planned, but I decided to just treat today as a cross training day.  There is no need to jump into this and burn myself out.  I did plenty of activity today at the arena, especially considering my activity lately has been nonexistent.

I know these posts are long, but I'm treating them as online journals for the moment.  As I get healthier, I hope to be more concise.

My weight this morning as 191.7.  I'm keeping my "official" weigh-in day on Wednesday, but I wanted to know where I started for "new start" purposes.  I need to take my measurements and a photo.  I'll do it before the day is over.

Changes

I'm contemplating some big changes for my mind, body, and spirit.  Correction: I'm not contemplating.  I'll be doing.  Starting tomorrow.  April 1st.  (Have to be able to enjoy Easter and all its sugary glory!)

I'm going to try to type this in a way that is not all jumbled and misunderstood.

Two fall seasons ago I began losing weight.  I lost quite a bit.  I got a lot of attention, comments, and praise.  I felt great.  I bought size 10 jeans and thought I looked pretty hot in them.

Then spring of last year came, and I started a huge project at school that sits me in front of the computers for hours.  I'm not being dramatic.  I create the entire school yearbook online, and it takes HOURS.  I like doing it, but it took a toll on me.  How did I cope?  I ate jellybeans.  Not kidding.  Bags and bags and bags of jellybeans.  The good ones: Starburst flavor, Jolly Rancher flavor, SweetTart flavor.  All the fancy flavored ones that you only see at Easter time.

I didn't stop eating them.  And once Easter was over, I just sort of kept on eating.  Anything sweet.  Anything savory.  Lots of sugary soda.

Pretty soon I was back up to and higher than when I started two falls ago.

Here comes the self deprecating part: I feel like a failure, ugly, old, worthless, I have no energy, I'm cranky, I'm moody, I feel sexless, and I feel hopeless.  This extra weight has influenced my job, my marriage, and my ability to be a mom.  Let me be clear and explain how those three aspects of my life have been affected.

Job - I feel as though I am under constant pressure.  In a way, I am.  Aren't we all at our jobs?  When I am eating right and exercising, I can handle the pressure in a much more mature way than crying.  Yep, sitting in the principal's office crying. Pathetic.  I want to be perceived as being able to handle what comes my way without blubbering about it.  It's okay to feel stress and pressure, but I don't like my response to it.  I also tend to "go into myself" when I'm feeling down.  Who wants a coworker that is happy and cheerful one day and sullen the next?  Not me...but I feel like I've been that coworker.

Marriage - My husband has loved me to pieces since the day we first emailed each other after meeting on Match.com.  He loves me skinny or fat.  He loves me happy or grouchy.  (He prefers happy!)  So how did this unhealthy phase of my life affect my marriage?  It did because "I" am the one who changed.  I don't love myself, so how can I expect my husband to love me?  I certainly don't feel sexy.  Since this is a public site (and there are no doubt 3 people who read this blog!) I'll leave it at that.  My husband always wants me.  I have a hard time understanding why.

Parent - I love my kids more than my life, but I yell a lot.  I am impatient.  The kids are 8 and 5.  They are little boys.  Yet, I tend to expect too much at times.  Mornings are awful when I'm sluggish and they don't move fast.  Then I'm screaming like a maniac that we are going to be late.  Evenings are painful when they are tired and whiny, and I don't have the energy to want to entertain them.  We have discipline issues lately...and I have to wonder if my attitude and health might play a role in that.

Just the other day I was thinking back to one of my happiest memories with my little family.  I know exactly when it was.  Two years ago today.  Two Easters ago.  We spent the first part of the holiday at church with my mom and then took off to Monterey for a few days of vacation.  We arrived at the coast in the late afternoon. We got out of the car and played soccer as a family on a big grassy field.  I was in great shape, my husband was in great shape, and the kids LOVED the fact that we ran around and played with them for over an hour.  We laughed and ran and laughed some more.  BEST memory.  Could I do that now?  Not even close.  And that makes me sad.

One more issue that is very bothersome to me.  Getting dressed.  I don't like shopping when I am this heavy.  I don't feel like anything looks good.  I hate spending money on "fat" clothes.  Very few things in my closet fit me well.  I HATE getting dressed in the morning.  I wear clothes to work that I would never buy at the store because they don't fit, but I have to wear them because they are all I have.  I look ridiculous.  I worry that people pity me.  I worry that people are wondering why I don't wear clothes that fit better.  Things don't zip all the way, things are too snug, and things are bulky and shapeless.  It is hard to have the motivation to keep other things looking nice such as hair and makeup.  I have two pairs of shoes that I wear to exhaustion.  We have enough money for me to purchase things...I just don't want to.  Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it?  In any case, getting dressed is one of the worst parts for me about being heavy.  On vacations, I tend to wear the same elastic pants or shorts over and over.  It's sad.  I'm sad.

So what is changing?  My attitude for one.  I'm going to try to keep this plan simple.  Exercise and eat healthy.  That doesn't mean cut out sugar.  I know that would derail me in a heartbeat.  One rule is that I need to give up soda.  There is a very specific reason for that.  If I drink soda, then it is all I want.  I will drink soda to the exclusion of every other liquid.  No water, no milk, nothing.  Just soda.  That's just not healthy.  That is the only food or drink item I'll be refusing myself.

Another rule is to count my Weight Watcher points NO MATTER WHAT!  If I can't measure it, don't eat it.  No food is off limits, but I need to know exactly how much I'm eating.  I will do the best I can when it comes to eating out, which I plan to limit, but no more randomly grabbing chips, pretzels, jellybeans, etc. out of a bag.  I'm going to eat all of my daily points, weekly extra points, and exercise points.  I'm not sure if I'll go back to meetings, but it is an option if I choose.  Another possibility is to get the Active Link system that WW is selling at the moment.

The last component is exercise.  I must exercise for two reasons.  One is to lose weight and gain health.  The other is mental stability.  As hard as it is to admit, I get depressed when I don't exercise.  Very depressed.  I cry a lot.  It's all connected: lack of exercise, gain in weight, feeling of despair due to lack of exercise and gaining weight.  It's not rocket science, but I seem to think it is due to the way I am treating myself.  I'll start building my running base back up, I want to do my Insanity DVD's, and I want to get back to my weights to sculpt my muscles.  I want to work out six days a week.

The last thing that has been running through my brain is a tangible goal to work towards.  We are planning a week long trip to San Diego this summer.  We are going to Sea World, zoo, Legoland, etc.  It's going to be hot and sunny.  I'm going to be in shorts.  I want to feel good in those shorts.  I'm sure we might go to the beach for a day.  I am guessing there will be swimming at a hotel or at least hot tub nights for my honey and me!  I want to buy a new bathing suit for the first time in YEARS!  I want to feel good in that bathing suit.  This gives me four and a half months to reach a certain goal.  I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'll be at goal in four and a half months, but by the time we go to San Diego, I want to be less than 150 pounds and I want to be a single size of clothing (8 or less).  I think these goals are reasonable and attainable.

To summarize:
No excuses.
Work out six days a week.
Give up soda.
Track all food.

Sounds easy.  Hmmmph.  But it is very necessary.

I know this is a rambling and lengthy post.  It was for me to get on "paper" what I am thinking and feeling.  And I hope to be feeling better very, very soon.

Heather

Awful Half

Not sure why this came out as one giant paragraph. I broke it up into many small ones, but they aren't showing up that way. I'll try to fix it later. I ran a half marathon last Sunday. I use the term "run" quite loosely. Let's just say that running the darn thing was simply be able to say I completed it. My time was my worst for the three halves I have done so far. Simply awful. I was hot. Out of shape. And lonely. Eric and I participated in the California Classic Weekend bike ride the day before. We rode the shortest distance of 35 miles. It was so much fun! It's pretty dang cool riding your bike up the south side of freeway 168. I felt great. I felt challenged. I loved doing the ride with my husband. That afternoon Eric and the kids took off for a soccer tournament. I had to stay home because my school was holding our annual Casino Night. I had to go. I just don't enjoy things as much without Eric around. I had a great time, but I missed my husband terribly. (I would never be a good military spouse. Eric was gone for one day, and I was pining.) I got home late, but still got up early to go to the half marathon on Sunday morning. I had to drive myself there. Ewwww. I'm not the best or calmest person driving downtown and having to deal with parking. Luckily, that went okay. I started the race trying to run .4 of a mile, walking for .10, running for .35 and walking for .25. That plan lasted for 2-3 miles. Then I started running for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds. That worked out better for me...until mile 11. It was at that point that I just ran out of steam. I was wallowing in self pity that Eric and the boys weren't there with me, I was disgusted at myself for being so out of shape, I was made that I hadn't trained, I was screaming at myself in my head for gaining weight...and on and on. I ended up walking the last two miles. I literally had to whisper to myself, "Hold it together. Hold it together." I can't tell you how many times I spoke that to myself. I wanted to cry, but I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop. The only thing worse than being alone and depressed would have been having to be carried off my medical aide. If I had started crying, I would have collapsed, and I would not have been able to tell anyone what was wrong because I'd have been crying or refusing to talk. Oh, I forgot, I had also been fighting a pretty nasty cold since Friday. I was completely and utterly wiped out. I found no joy in doing this half other than completing it for the second year in a row and getting my medal. I hope to always do this half. It's a weird goal I have to run it for as long as I can since it started. I didn't even run across the finish line. I walked. Tears started at that point. I just grabbed my medal, grabbed some ice cream, and shuffled to my car. Driving myself home after a half sucked big time as well. Needless to say, I didn't do much for the rest of the day. I did clean up the kitchen. That was quite taxing. The rest of the afternoon was spent waiting for my family to get home. I missed them so much. I am glad I finished the half. I am not proud of my effort in any way shape or form. My body hurt so bad for three days post run. Today is Saturday, and I am finally ready to do some deep thinking and pull myself together. Enough is enough. I could have had such a great experience had I put effort into it. Any effort at all. I really let myself down. I plan to slowly build up to being able to maintain three miles. Then I'd like to keep that base for future training plans. It would be nice to not have to start over each time I want to run a half. One thing I know without a doubt. I NEED to exercise. Not for weight loss (but that is a nice benefit), but for peace of mind, depression control, anxiety control, and balance. It is necessary in my life. I have to treat it as if it was as natural as brushing my teeth. It was to be one of my highest priorities. There can't be months of no movement. I just don't do well when I fall into a lazy trap. And now, I'm off to eat Cheerios and exercise.

Cinco de Mayo

Exercise is feeling good. Eating too much. Gotta get that under control. However, I am tracking my points as best as I can. Even though I am completely under trained, I plan to do the half in two weeks. I'll just run a little and walk a lot. Why not? I want my medal! Distance: 2.11 miles

Running

Tuesday 1.85 miles Thursday 1.85 miles Trying to make good decisions. It's been a good decision week.

Disco

Distance: 1.5 miles

I got on the treadmill again tonight. I watched Glee while run/walking.

At this point I am still so irritated with myself, that I'm having a hard time seeing the positive in the good choices I am making...even if it is just getting on the treadmill two days in a row. I'm too focused on being mad at losing the progress I made a few months ago. I'm trying really hard to put my mind in a better place.

I have to believe that I will again see a change if I keep moving forward.

Excuses

Here we go again. Falling out of shape. Getting back in shape. And the cycle continues.

Distance: 3.5 miles

I could explain all the reasons why I quit running, but I'd just sound whiny. In any case, I ran tonight.

Must Run

Distance: 2.05 miles

I haven't had much to say because I haven't been running. That is a bad thing when I have a half scheduled in three weeks.

Wishing I was better at running is not going to happen unless I get moving. Tonight, I got moving. Not far and not long, but I moved.

Merced Honey Bun 5K

Distance: 3.1 miles
Time: 31:56/10:21 avg pace

I think this was a 5K PR for me! Imagine that...getting a PR!

I had a really good time at this race. I ran it in honor of my friend and running buddy Elaine who was in a horrible car accident this past week. I left the music in the car and just prayed while I ran. I also tried to soak in the moments.

Please Vote

Still running. I'm just tired tonight.

I have a request:

If you could so graciously click on the link:

HERE

...and go vote for our Epic Love Story on ABC 30! Our video is "hlforcey."

If we win, we get an iPad2, dinner, jewelry and furniture! I would sooooooo love to win this prize. However, it was fun being creative and making the video!

It's easy to create a simple account and then vote. We would really appreciate your help!

Time Fixes Many Things

Distance: 7.5 miles/11:34 avg. pace

We got up and went to church this morning. Then we went to Costco for gas and allergy medicine. We walked out of there buying much more than that! Oh Costco. How you suck us dry and tempt us with giant size bags of tortilla chips and artichoke/jalepeno dip. Hey, it's Super Bowl Sunday. It's okay to buy treats!

We came home, ate some lunch, and headed out for a run/ride. The plan was to be home in time to watch the game. Yeah, the plan didn't go as expected. The first part of the plan was for Eric to ride his bike to our meet up point. Eric left, and I got myself and the kids ready to go. Just as we pulled out of the driveway, Eric called. He ended up having a flat tire. We picked him up in the parking lot of Lowe's.

He didn't have any spare tubes (and yes, he knows this was not the smartest move), so we drove to a bike store so he could get some. Then we drove back to our original meet up spot. I took off with the kids to start my seven miles. The kids were on their bikes, and they did a really good job staying close to me without running me over. They waited at intersections and made sure I made it through the tunnels! I really don't like the tunnels. They creep me out.

Eric stayed behind to change his tube. We got to the three mile point before Eric caught up. He then took Hudson and back tracked to a park. Evan and I continued on until I reached the half way point. We made it back to the park to find Eric and Hudson. By that point it was 3:30! We were missing the start of the Super Bowl. That sucked.

We still had to run to the store for milk and basics. We ended up getting home just before half time. Oh well.

It wasn't a bad run, but I didn't feel peppy and full of drive. I was pretty much over all of my stress from school last week, so I didn't even have that to power me through! I didn't run with music. I took my ear buds just in case I wanted tunes, but I am really liking the rhythm and feel of listening to my breathing.

In any case, I got home and got straight in the shower. I could taste salt all over my lips from the sweat. Gross! Now I'm in PJ's watching the after coverage of the game. I've been snacking on some yummy treats. There goes those 15 WW Activity Points I just earned! Oh well!

I am determined to go into this week with a positive attitude. We'll see how I'm holding up on that by Wednesday.