Sunday, June 2, 2013

Lazy Sunday

Woke up this morning to get ready for church.  It was the first Sunday of the month which is OLPH Student day.  The students basically do all the parts of the Mass and we try to get as many students as possible to wear their uniforms.  Hudson sat with us, but Evan likes to be an usher.  He likes taking the collection money back to the sacristy.

Friends sitting by us at Mass asked if we wanted to get lunch at Dog House Grill.  Of course!  I've been craving Dog House Grill for weeks now, but every time we go there, the parking lot is full and it is a pain to find parking elsewhere or jockey for a table.  Finally, I got my tri tip salad with delicious ranch.  Worth it!

This is what I normally eat there, a tri tip sandwich and fries, but I soooooo wanted the tri tip salad instead.  Those fries dipped in ranch are amazing!  Hit the spot this afternoon.

The rest of the day was spent sleeping.  I was just so wiped out all day.  I watched tv, slept, watched more tv, and read blogs.

I did, however, get on the elliptical a bit ago and got in a pretty decently hard 30 minute workout.  Now I'm tired and ready for a quick bath and bed.  It's a good thing that night workouts don't rev me up.  I could easily drop off to sleep right now.

I am planning to go to trampoline class tomorrow.  I ate limited sugar today.  Feeling good.  Heading in the right direction.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

June: Fresh Start...again!

I'm not sure how faithful I'll be at posting, but it is June 1, school is almost out, and I always get better about tracking my life when I'm on vacation.

We had the 8th grade graduation today.  Sniff.  I'm not sure how those kids got to be 14 and all grown up.  Because of switching from teaching 3rd grade to 7th grade to 8th grade, I've had the pleasure of teaching some of these kiddos for three years!  I love them and will miss them terribly next year.

These two boys are twins, and their mom in the middle is one of my best friends.  I'll miss them, but I also plan to hang out at their house by the pool for a large chunk of the summer!

Love, love, love this girl!  Her little brother is my 8-year-old's best friend.  I'll miss her, but I'll see her at plenty of future soccer games.  That's me pictured with her.  My husband said it was a nice picture of me.  I don't love it, but I don't hate it.  Meh.  There's a goal: look better in photos...especially since I'm the 8th grade teacher and have to be in MANY photos throughout the year.

As for health and fitness goals, I've got some plans.  There are some pure and basic things I know:

1. I feel better when I exercise.  By "feel better" I mean that it helps me with mood stabilization (i.e. helps me avoid depression).  Feel better also means more confidence, more energy, more self esteem, more positiveness.

2. I am addicted to sugar.  Sugar is bad.  I don't handle moderation very well.  I am an all or nothing personality.  I must avoid sugar as much as possible.

I gave up sugar a few weeks ago and hung in there for about three weeks.  One of the nicest compliments I got was someone telling me I looked young and happy!  There are other benefits to avoiding sugar.  I naturally gravitate to healthier choices of food because eliminating sugar eliminates a LOT of bad choices.  My digestion is improved.  Lacking a gallbladder makes my digestive system a bit wonky, so healthier eating is key for me.

I need to decide that the hassle (at times) and temptation of eating healthy and exercising is far worth it over a lack of energy, poor digestion, and depression.  It seems like a no brainer, but I can pretty easily convince myself happiness and comfort can be found inside a bottle of Pepsi and bag of jelly beans.  It's always a sad ending, however. Happiness and comfort do NOT live there.  They live in chicken and salad!!  Just kidding!

I just finished a pretty easy workout.  One minute jogging spurts for a total of nine minutes of jogging and 22 minutes of walking.  Easy as it was, I got sweaty and I instantly have better spirits.

I want to feel healthy and strong.  And better.  BETTER!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


The kids and I boarded Amtrak today to go to Hanford, see Dad, and eat ice cream.  We had a good day.

Before we left, I got on the treadmill.  It felt good.  I worked out for a total of 44 minutes, 15 of those jogging at a 4.0 pace.  Super slow, but it doesn't matter.  I'm moving my butt.

I gotta admit, though, eating that ice cream has left me wanting to snack all afternoon.  As we speak, I am trying to resist the Cadbury eggs sitting on my counter.  It's not a problem for me to have them, but I already had ice cream.  If I do have them, I'm going to count them.

Good things: tracked all my food, drank water, exercised.  Good habits.  Feeling good.

Monday, April 1, 2013


All the public schools around here take their Easter Vacation the week before Easter.  We take ours the week after.  It's one of my favorite times of the year when EVERYONE else is back to school, and we have the week to ourselves.

Since Hudson was sick on Thursday, I kept us all home on Good Friday and we vegged. Saturday was Easter with my mom and sister.  Sunday was Easter here as a family.

And today I decided to get the kiddos and myself out of the house and go check out a new trampoline arena.  I'm not sure how long it's been open, but it is a whole lot closer to my house than the other major arena in Fresno.  It is literally a few blocks (large city blocks) away.  Plus, a friend works there, so it was fun to talk to her and catch up.

We stayed for two hours.  I jumped.  The kids jumped, flipped, played dodge ball, ran, hurled their body off into a foam pit, and had a blast.  I really enjoyed myself as well.  I probably jumped for an hour out of the two we were there.  Jump a little.  Take a break.  Jump some more.  Take a break.  It is really fun and fairly easy to jump on a trampoline.  The momentum of the springs sort of propels you back up without having to use all energy.  Plus, it's easy on the joints.  I like that.

My kids were racing and hopping all over the place as though they'd been doing this for years.  I was a bit more timid.  I was scared to jump from one tramp to the other.  I had to step gingerly. There were 30 large trampolines in a huge grid.  The place is pretty big.  There is also a dodge ball area with 12 trampolines, a foam pit with three trampolines, and a toddler area with four trampolines.  At times there were a lot of people, but I never felt like I didn't have room to jump.

By the time we left, I was cautiously hopping over the pads from one tramp to the other.  I'm really glad I wore the extra support bra.

We came home and I made a huge salad with grilled chicken and blue cheese.  I was proud of myself because the kids had mac n cheese, and I so badly wanted to take a few bites from the serving spoon, but I didn't.

I counted my jumping as 7 points, but I'm not sure how accurate that is.  That is where the Active Link would be really helpful in assessing how many points I have earned.  I get a little Type A about stuff like that.  I want to know exactly how many points I've earned.  I don't want to guess.  They have EVERY type of activity you can think of in the Weight Watcher Activity Chart, but not trampoline.

I considered coming home and doing the run I had planned, but I decided to just treat today as a cross training day.  There is no need to jump into this and burn myself out.  I did plenty of activity today at the arena, especially considering my activity lately has been nonexistent.

I know these posts are long, but I'm treating them as online journals for the moment.  As I get healthier, I hope to be more concise.

My weight this morning as 191.7.  I'm keeping my "official" weigh-in day on Wednesday, but I wanted to know where I started for "new start" purposes.  I need to take my measurements and a photo.  I'll do it before the day is over.

Sunday, March 31, 2013


I'm contemplating some big changes for my mind, body, and spirit.  Correction: I'm not contemplating.  I'll be doing.  Starting tomorrow.  April 1st.  (Have to be able to enjoy Easter and all its sugary glory!)

I'm going to try to type this in a way that is not all jumbled and misunderstood.

Two fall seasons ago I began losing weight.  I lost quite a bit.  I got a lot of attention, comments, and praise.  I felt great.  I bought size 10 jeans and thought I looked pretty hot in them.

Then spring of last year came, and I started a huge project at school that sits me in front of the computers for hours.  I'm not being dramatic.  I create the entire school yearbook online, and it takes HOURS.  I like doing it, but it took a toll on me.  How did I cope?  I ate jellybeans.  Not kidding.  Bags and bags and bags of jellybeans.  The good ones: Starburst flavor, Jolly Rancher flavor, SweetTart flavor.  All the fancy flavored ones that you only see at Easter time.

I didn't stop eating them.  And once Easter was over, I just sort of kept on eating.  Anything sweet.  Anything savory.  Lots of sugary soda.

Pretty soon I was back up to and higher than when I started two falls ago.

Here comes the self deprecating part: I feel like a failure, ugly, old, worthless, I have no energy, I'm cranky, I'm moody, I feel sexless, and I feel hopeless.  This extra weight has influenced my job, my marriage, and my ability to be a mom.  Let me be clear and explain how those three aspects of my life have been affected.

Job - I feel as though I am under constant pressure.  In a way, I am.  Aren't we all at our jobs?  When I am eating right and exercising, I can handle the pressure in a much more mature way than crying.  Yep, sitting in the principal's office crying. Pathetic.  I want to be perceived as being able to handle what comes my way without blubbering about it.  It's okay to feel stress and pressure, but I don't like my response to it.  I also tend to "go into myself" when I'm feeling down.  Who wants a coworker that is happy and cheerful one day and sullen the next?  Not me...but I feel like I've been that coworker.

Marriage - My husband has loved me to pieces since the day we first emailed each other after meeting on  He loves me skinny or fat.  He loves me happy or grouchy.  (He prefers happy!)  So how did this unhealthy phase of my life affect my marriage?  It did because "I" am the one who changed.  I don't love myself, so how can I expect my husband to love me?  I certainly don't feel sexy.  Since this is a public site (and there are no doubt 3 people who read this blog!) I'll leave it at that.  My husband always wants me.  I have a hard time understanding why.

Parent - I love my kids more than my life, but I yell a lot.  I am impatient.  The kids are 8 and 5.  They are little boys.  Yet, I tend to expect too much at times.  Mornings are awful when I'm sluggish and they don't move fast.  Then I'm screaming like a maniac that we are going to be late.  Evenings are painful when they are tired and whiny, and I don't have the energy to want to entertain them.  We have discipline issues lately...and I have to wonder if my attitude and health might play a role in that.

Just the other day I was thinking back to one of my happiest memories with my little family.  I know exactly when it was.  Two years ago today.  Two Easters ago.  We spent the first part of the holiday at church with my mom and then took off to Monterey for a few days of vacation.  We arrived at the coast in the late afternoon. We got out of the car and played soccer as a family on a big grassy field.  I was in great shape, my husband was in great shape, and the kids LOVED the fact that we ran around and played with them for over an hour.  We laughed and ran and laughed some more.  BEST memory.  Could I do that now?  Not even close.  And that makes me sad.

One more issue that is very bothersome to me.  Getting dressed.  I don't like shopping when I am this heavy.  I don't feel like anything looks good.  I hate spending money on "fat" clothes.  Very few things in my closet fit me well.  I HATE getting dressed in the morning.  I wear clothes to work that I would never buy at the store because they don't fit, but I have to wear them because they are all I have.  I look ridiculous.  I worry that people pity me.  I worry that people are wondering why I don't wear clothes that fit better.  Things don't zip all the way, things are too snug, and things are bulky and shapeless.  It is hard to have the motivation to keep other things looking nice such as hair and makeup.  I have two pairs of shoes that I wear to exhaustion.  We have enough money for me to purchase things...I just don't want to.  Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it?  In any case, getting dressed is one of the worst parts for me about being heavy.  On vacations, I tend to wear the same elastic pants or shorts over and over.  It's sad.  I'm sad.

So what is changing?  My attitude for one.  I'm going to try to keep this plan simple.  Exercise and eat healthy.  That doesn't mean cut out sugar.  I know that would derail me in a heartbeat.  One rule is that I need to give up soda.  There is a very specific reason for that.  If I drink soda, then it is all I want.  I will drink soda to the exclusion of every other liquid.  No water, no milk, nothing.  Just soda.  That's just not healthy.  That is the only food or drink item I'll be refusing myself.

Another rule is to count my Weight Watcher points NO MATTER WHAT!  If I can't measure it, don't eat it.  No food is off limits, but I need to know exactly how much I'm eating.  I will do the best I can when it comes to eating out, which I plan to limit, but no more randomly grabbing chips, pretzels, jellybeans, etc. out of a bag.  I'm going to eat all of my daily points, weekly extra points, and exercise points.  I'm not sure if I'll go back to meetings, but it is an option if I choose.  Another possibility is to get the Active Link system that WW is selling at the moment.

The last component is exercise.  I must exercise for two reasons.  One is to lose weight and gain health.  The other is mental stability.  As hard as it is to admit, I get depressed when I don't exercise.  Very depressed.  I cry a lot.  It's all connected: lack of exercise, gain in weight, feeling of despair due to lack of exercise and gaining weight.  It's not rocket science, but I seem to think it is due to the way I am treating myself.  I'll start building my running base back up, I want to do my Insanity DVD's, and I want to get back to my weights to sculpt my muscles.  I want to work out six days a week.

The last thing that has been running through my brain is a tangible goal to work towards.  We are planning a week long trip to San Diego this summer.  We are going to Sea World, zoo, Legoland, etc.  It's going to be hot and sunny.  I'm going to be in shorts.  I want to feel good in those shorts.  I'm sure we might go to the beach for a day.  I am guessing there will be swimming at a hotel or at least hot tub nights for my honey and me!  I want to buy a new bathing suit for the first time in YEARS!  I want to feel good in that bathing suit.  This gives me four and a half months to reach a certain goal.  I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'll be at goal in four and a half months, but by the time we go to San Diego, I want to be less than 150 pounds and I want to be a single size of clothing (8 or less).  I think these goals are reasonable and attainable.

To summarize:
No excuses.
Work out six days a week.
Give up soda.
Track all food.

Sounds easy.  Hmmmph.  But it is very necessary.

I know this is a rambling and lengthy post.  It was for me to get on "paper" what I am thinking and feeling.  And I hope to be feeling better very, very soon.