Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Goodness gracious! It has been almost four years since I posted anything on this blog.

So why am I posting today?

Because I need a space to write about things that only relate to me. But first, for my own sake of catching up, let me recap the last four years and compare them to where I was back in July of 2014!

Four years ago I was still in my 30's...granted, I was 39, but that counts! I think at that time I still believed that with just a little bit of effort, I could easily lose weight. I don't think that anymore. I know how hard it is. I know that motivation comes and goes. I know that determination is a better character trait.

Four years ago, my kids were 9 and 6. They were not able to stay home by themselves at that point like they can now. I drove a minivan. Now I drive a Honda Civic named Snowflake! I was teaching 8th grade (still am). Eric and I were coming up on our 11th anniversary (soon to be 15). Since that time, I have a new car, Eric rides a Goldwing Motorcycle, I have started back to school working on my Administrative Credential, and our oldest will be in high school in less than five months.

Evan on yearbook picture day. I used to make fun of parents (in my head) when they got all emotional about their kids growing up, graduating, or moving onto the next grade. Shame on me! I'll never do that again. If there is one thing that getting older is teaching me, it is to not judge others for how they deal with their life.

Our Christmas pajama photo. Not that you can tell any of us are in pajamas.

A rare photo where I like how I look. I was getting ready for Halloween where I was Mrs. Potato Head. On one hand, I loved my costume because it was easy. On the other hand, I never seem to feel worthy of the "princess" or "pretty" costumes because I'm not pretty enough or small enough or dainty enough. I do this every year. I've been the witch, the potato, the dragon, etc. One year I was Wendy Darling, but it still wasn't Tinker Bell. This new round of posting is hopefully going to help me get through these feelings of self doubt and disregard.

Another random day where I felt almost pretty. Hair curled, makeup on, but hating my body. Another thing I have noticed lately is that I look older. Or at least I feel like I look older. I feel like in one year I have aged three years. The wrinkles are more noticeable. The sun spots are darker and spreading. The pores are bigger. I just feel like no matter what I do, I still look old underneath the hair and makeup. That is hard for me.

A new development in our life is riding the motorcycle. Eric uses it to commute to work, but we like to head out on weekends together. Shocking fact: I got my motorcycle license and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

When Eric upgraded his motorcycle to the Goldwing, I decided to take a course to get my license so I could ride the VTX. I'm amazed I passed the course because I was really bad!  But I did. Then I took the test at the DMV and FAILED! I was mortified, embarrassed, and did not want to go back, but I had to. Two sons were looking at me to see how I would handle this setback/failure/discouragement. I studied and tried again...and passed with 100%! Then I took the VTX to the parking lot at the high school, and decided I don't really want to ride my own bike. I like being on the back of Eric's bike. I'll let him do the worrying. Maybe someday I'll be ready to handle a bike on my own. In the meantime, we sold the VTX. If I do ride on my own, I'd like something a little bit smaller.

I'm really proud of myself for sticking it out and doing something WAAAAAAY out of the box for me. I didn't give up. That was huge.

Another big change for me is going back to school. I'm about a month away from completing the first semester. My partner teacher and I go to class every Wednesday and every other Monday. We had spring break last week, and it was so weird being home on a Wednesday. I didn't know what to do with myself.

Okay, so why am I here?  Why am I attempting to revive this blog?  It isn't for anyone but me. Yes, it's public, but that's okay.

This concept of self-care has really been resonating with me lately and I need to realize exactly what that means. I used to think it meant selfishly taking time to be by myself. I realize that it is a lot more than that. I was spending time alone, but I was doing things that did not contribute to better care for myself. Eating sugar and drinking soda while binge watching Netflix is not exactly self-care! Here are some things that it means to me:


  • Exercise - for weight loss and for emotional stability. When I get stressed, I spin into a bit of depression. Exercise is one of the best ways for me to avoid this. Exercise helps me deal with the stress in the first place.
  • Eating right - same as above. I have been through two official rounds of Whole30 and two more partial rounds. Each time I feel a sense of clarity when I eat healthy food choices.
  • Avoid sugar - this is probably my biggest problem. It adds to weight, depression, anxiety, and stress. It does nothing but control me. It is an addiction.
  • Hair - when I don't "style" my hair in the morning I feel frumpy and not as confident. Also, when I let my gray get noticeable because I don't want to take the time to dye it, that adds to the frumpiness. It's an endless cycle. I feel frumpy because I don't do my hair, but not doing my hair makes me feel frumpy. And when I feel frumpy, I don't want to take care of myself. And so on.
  • Makeup - same as hair. I feel better when I take the time to do my makeup. I feel more confident. I feel more put together. I am not trying to cover up my face, but enhance it and feel better about myself.
  • Eyebrows - I really need to make appointments to have these puppies waxed regularly.
  • Proper time to get schoolwork done - when I leave things to the last minute, it adds to the stress and anxiety on top of all my other responsibilities.
  • Pleasure reading - I read 130 books last year. I think I've read 7 this year. I have gotten too busy with school, but I think with a little planning, I can fit it into small pockets of time to do something that is really important to me. I won't be anywhere near 130 books, but that doesn't mean I should give up altogether.
It should be noted that the only thing I really LOVE on this list is the last one. All the other ones are things I know I should do to make myself feel better. And when I feel better, I keep up with all those things!

I'm on Spring Break right now. I still got up at 4 a.m, worked on some college work and then did a 30-minute workout. We just subscribed to Beach Body On Demand. I want to use it enough to justify the price. (It was not crazy expensive, but still, I don't want to waste the money.) I did Cize Crazy 8's. It was pretty cool. I huffed and puffed. The best part is that I don't have to drive to the gym. That literally adds 30 minutes to the exercise process: 15 minutes there and 15 minutes home. If I do the workouts at home, I really don't have much of an excuse. And I can look as goofy as I want from mismatched clothes to crazy arms flailing about while I pretend to dance.

I got my exercise ring on my Apple Watch this morning and had enough motivation to write a blog post here and on my family blog. That's good progress!

Here's to hoping I come back and post frequently about my progress.

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