All the public schools around here take their Easter Vacation the week before Easter. We take ours the week after. It's one of my favorite times of the year when EVERYONE else is back to school, and we have the week to ourselves.
Since Hudson was sick on Thursday, I kept us all home on Good Friday and we vegged. Saturday was Easter with my mom and sister. Sunday was Easter here as a family.
And today I decided to get the kiddos and myself out of the house and go check out a new trampoline arena. I'm not sure how long it's been open, but it is a whole lot closer to my house than the other major arena in Fresno. It is literally a few blocks (large city blocks) away. Plus, a friend works there, so it was fun to talk to her and catch up.
We stayed for two hours. I jumped. The kids jumped, flipped, played dodge ball, ran, hurled their body off into a foam pit, and had a blast. I really enjoyed myself as well. I probably jumped for an hour out of the two we were there. Jump a little. Take a break. Jump some more. Take a break. It is really fun and fairly easy to jump on a trampoline. The momentum of the springs sort of propels you back up without having to use all energy. Plus, it's easy on the joints. I like that.
My kids were racing and hopping all over the place as though they'd been doing this for years. I was a bit more timid. I was scared to jump from one tramp to the other. I had to step gingerly. There were 30 large trampolines in a huge grid. The place is pretty big. There is also a dodge ball area with 12 trampolines, a foam pit with three trampolines, and a toddler area with four trampolines. At times there were a lot of people, but I never felt like I didn't have room to jump.
By the time we left, I was cautiously hopping over the pads from one tramp to the other. I'm really glad I wore the extra support bra.
We came home and I made a huge salad with grilled chicken and blue cheese. I was proud of myself because the kids had mac n cheese, and I so badly wanted to take a few bites from the serving spoon, but I didn't.
I counted my jumping as 7 points, but I'm not sure how accurate that is. That is where the Active Link would be really helpful in assessing how many points I have earned. I get a little Type A about stuff like that. I want to know exactly how many points I've earned. I don't want to guess. They have EVERY type of activity you can think of in the Weight Watcher Activity Chart, but not trampoline.
I considered coming home and doing the run I had planned, but I decided to just treat today as a cross training day. There is no need to jump into this and burn myself out. I did plenty of activity today at the arena, especially considering my activity lately has been nonexistent.
I know these posts are long, but I'm treating them as online journals for the moment. As I get healthier, I hope to be more concise.
My weight this morning as 191.7. I'm keeping my "official" weigh-in day on Wednesday, but I wanted to know where I started for "new start" purposes. I need to take my measurements and a photo. I'll do it before the day is over.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Changes
I'm contemplating some big changes for my mind, body, and spirit. Correction: I'm not contemplating. I'll be doing. Starting tomorrow. April 1st. (Have to be able to enjoy Easter and all its sugary glory!)
I'm going to try to type this in a way that is not all jumbled and misunderstood.
Two fall seasons ago I began losing weight. I lost quite a bit. I got a lot of attention, comments, and praise. I felt great. I bought size 10 jeans and thought I looked pretty hot in them.
Then spring of last year came, and I started a huge project at school that sits me in front of the computers for hours. I'm not being dramatic. I create the entire school yearbook online, and it takes HOURS. I like doing it, but it took a toll on me. How did I cope? I ate jellybeans. Not kidding. Bags and bags and bags of jellybeans. The good ones: Starburst flavor, Jolly Rancher flavor, SweetTart flavor. All the fancy flavored ones that you only see at Easter time.
I didn't stop eating them. And once Easter was over, I just sort of kept on eating. Anything sweet. Anything savory. Lots of sugary soda.
Pretty soon I was back up to and higher than when I started two falls ago.
Here comes the self deprecating part: I feel like a failure, ugly, old, worthless, I have no energy, I'm cranky, I'm moody, I feel sexless, and I feel hopeless. This extra weight has influenced my job, my marriage, and my ability to be a mom. Let me be clear and explain how those three aspects of my life have been affected.
Job - I feel as though I am under constant pressure. In a way, I am. Aren't we all at our jobs? When I am eating right and exercising, I can handle the pressure in a much more mature way than crying. Yep, sitting in the principal's office crying. Pathetic. I want to be perceived as being able to handle what comes my way without blubbering about it. It's okay to feel stress and pressure, but I don't like my response to it. I also tend to "go into myself" when I'm feeling down. Who wants a coworker that is happy and cheerful one day and sullen the next? Not me...but I feel like I've been that coworker.
Marriage - My husband has loved me to pieces since the day we first emailed each other after meeting on Match.com. He loves me skinny or fat. He loves me happy or grouchy. (He prefers happy!) So how did this unhealthy phase of my life affect my marriage? It did because "I" am the one who changed. I don't love myself, so how can I expect my husband to love me? I certainly don't feel sexy. Since this is a public site (and there are no doubt 3 people who read this blog!) I'll leave it at that. My husband always wants me. I have a hard time understanding why.
Parent - I love my kids more than my life, but I yell a lot. I am impatient. The kids are 8 and 5. They are little boys. Yet, I tend to expect too much at times. Mornings are awful when I'm sluggish and they don't move fast. Then I'm screaming like a maniac that we are going to be late. Evenings are painful when they are tired and whiny, and I don't have the energy to want to entertain them. We have discipline issues lately...and I have to wonder if my attitude and health might play a role in that.
Just the other day I was thinking back to one of my happiest memories with my little family. I know exactly when it was. Two years ago today. Two Easters ago. We spent the first part of the holiday at church with my mom and then took off to Monterey for a few days of vacation. We arrived at the coast in the late afternoon. We got out of the car and played soccer as a family on a big grassy field. I was in great shape, my husband was in great shape, and the kids LOVED the fact that we ran around and played with them for over an hour. We laughed and ran and laughed some more. BEST memory. Could I do that now? Not even close. And that makes me sad.
One more issue that is very bothersome to me. Getting dressed. I don't like shopping when I am this heavy. I don't feel like anything looks good. I hate spending money on "fat" clothes. Very few things in my closet fit me well. I HATE getting dressed in the morning. I wear clothes to work that I would never buy at the store because they don't fit, but I have to wear them because they are all I have. I look ridiculous. I worry that people pity me. I worry that people are wondering why I don't wear clothes that fit better. Things don't zip all the way, things are too snug, and things are bulky and shapeless. It is hard to have the motivation to keep other things looking nice such as hair and makeup. I have two pairs of shoes that I wear to exhaustion. We have enough money for me to purchase things...I just don't want to. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it? In any case, getting dressed is one of the worst parts for me about being heavy. On vacations, I tend to wear the same elastic pants or shorts over and over. It's sad. I'm sad.
So what is changing? My attitude for one. I'm going to try to keep this plan simple. Exercise and eat healthy. That doesn't mean cut out sugar. I know that would derail me in a heartbeat. One rule is that I need to give up soda. There is a very specific reason for that. If I drink soda, then it is all I want. I will drink soda to the exclusion of every other liquid. No water, no milk, nothing. Just soda. That's just not healthy. That is the only food or drink item I'll be refusing myself.
Another rule is to count my Weight Watcher points NO MATTER WHAT! If I can't measure it, don't eat it. No food is off limits, but I need to know exactly how much I'm eating. I will do the best I can when it comes to eating out, which I plan to limit, but no more randomly grabbing chips, pretzels, jellybeans, etc. out of a bag. I'm going to eat all of my daily points, weekly extra points, and exercise points. I'm not sure if I'll go back to meetings, but it is an option if I choose. Another possibility is to get the Active Link system that WW is selling at the moment.
The last component is exercise. I must exercise for two reasons. One is to lose weight and gain health. The other is mental stability. As hard as it is to admit, I get depressed when I don't exercise. Very depressed. I cry a lot. It's all connected: lack of exercise, gain in weight, feeling of despair due to lack of exercise and gaining weight. It's not rocket science, but I seem to think it is due to the way I am treating myself. I'll start building my running base back up, I want to do my Insanity DVD's, and I want to get back to my weights to sculpt my muscles. I want to work out six days a week.
The last thing that has been running through my brain is a tangible goal to work towards. We are planning a week long trip to San Diego this summer. We are going to Sea World, zoo, Legoland, etc. It's going to be hot and sunny. I'm going to be in shorts. I want to feel good in those shorts. I'm sure we might go to the beach for a day. I am guessing there will be swimming at a hotel or at least hot tub nights for my honey and me! I want to buy a new bathing suit for the first time in YEARS! I want to feel good in that bathing suit. This gives me four and a half months to reach a certain goal. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'll be at goal in four and a half months, but by the time we go to San Diego, I want to be less than 150 pounds and I want to be a single size of clothing (8 or less). I think these goals are reasonable and attainable.
To summarize:
No excuses.
Work out six days a week.
Give up soda.
Track all food.
Sounds easy. Hmmmph. But it is very necessary.
I know this is a rambling and lengthy post. It was for me to get on "paper" what I am thinking and feeling. And I hope to be feeling better very, very soon.
Heather
I'm going to try to type this in a way that is not all jumbled and misunderstood.
Two fall seasons ago I began losing weight. I lost quite a bit. I got a lot of attention, comments, and praise. I felt great. I bought size 10 jeans and thought I looked pretty hot in them.
Then spring of last year came, and I started a huge project at school that sits me in front of the computers for hours. I'm not being dramatic. I create the entire school yearbook online, and it takes HOURS. I like doing it, but it took a toll on me. How did I cope? I ate jellybeans. Not kidding. Bags and bags and bags of jellybeans. The good ones: Starburst flavor, Jolly Rancher flavor, SweetTart flavor. All the fancy flavored ones that you only see at Easter time.
I didn't stop eating them. And once Easter was over, I just sort of kept on eating. Anything sweet. Anything savory. Lots of sugary soda.
Pretty soon I was back up to and higher than when I started two falls ago.
Here comes the self deprecating part: I feel like a failure, ugly, old, worthless, I have no energy, I'm cranky, I'm moody, I feel sexless, and I feel hopeless. This extra weight has influenced my job, my marriage, and my ability to be a mom. Let me be clear and explain how those three aspects of my life have been affected.
Job - I feel as though I am under constant pressure. In a way, I am. Aren't we all at our jobs? When I am eating right and exercising, I can handle the pressure in a much more mature way than crying. Yep, sitting in the principal's office crying. Pathetic. I want to be perceived as being able to handle what comes my way without blubbering about it. It's okay to feel stress and pressure, but I don't like my response to it. I also tend to "go into myself" when I'm feeling down. Who wants a coworker that is happy and cheerful one day and sullen the next? Not me...but I feel like I've been that coworker.
Marriage - My husband has loved me to pieces since the day we first emailed each other after meeting on Match.com. He loves me skinny or fat. He loves me happy or grouchy. (He prefers happy!) So how did this unhealthy phase of my life affect my marriage? It did because "I" am the one who changed. I don't love myself, so how can I expect my husband to love me? I certainly don't feel sexy. Since this is a public site (and there are no doubt 3 people who read this blog!) I'll leave it at that. My husband always wants me. I have a hard time understanding why.
Parent - I love my kids more than my life, but I yell a lot. I am impatient. The kids are 8 and 5. They are little boys. Yet, I tend to expect too much at times. Mornings are awful when I'm sluggish and they don't move fast. Then I'm screaming like a maniac that we are going to be late. Evenings are painful when they are tired and whiny, and I don't have the energy to want to entertain them. We have discipline issues lately...and I have to wonder if my attitude and health might play a role in that.
Just the other day I was thinking back to one of my happiest memories with my little family. I know exactly when it was. Two years ago today. Two Easters ago. We spent the first part of the holiday at church with my mom and then took off to Monterey for a few days of vacation. We arrived at the coast in the late afternoon. We got out of the car and played soccer as a family on a big grassy field. I was in great shape, my husband was in great shape, and the kids LOVED the fact that we ran around and played with them for over an hour. We laughed and ran and laughed some more. BEST memory. Could I do that now? Not even close. And that makes me sad.
One more issue that is very bothersome to me. Getting dressed. I don't like shopping when I am this heavy. I don't feel like anything looks good. I hate spending money on "fat" clothes. Very few things in my closet fit me well. I HATE getting dressed in the morning. I wear clothes to work that I would never buy at the store because they don't fit, but I have to wear them because they are all I have. I look ridiculous. I worry that people pity me. I worry that people are wondering why I don't wear clothes that fit better. Things don't zip all the way, things are too snug, and things are bulky and shapeless. It is hard to have the motivation to keep other things looking nice such as hair and makeup. I have two pairs of shoes that I wear to exhaustion. We have enough money for me to purchase things...I just don't want to. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it? In any case, getting dressed is one of the worst parts for me about being heavy. On vacations, I tend to wear the same elastic pants or shorts over and over. It's sad. I'm sad.
So what is changing? My attitude for one. I'm going to try to keep this plan simple. Exercise and eat healthy. That doesn't mean cut out sugar. I know that would derail me in a heartbeat. One rule is that I need to give up soda. There is a very specific reason for that. If I drink soda, then it is all I want. I will drink soda to the exclusion of every other liquid. No water, no milk, nothing. Just soda. That's just not healthy. That is the only food or drink item I'll be refusing myself.
Another rule is to count my Weight Watcher points NO MATTER WHAT! If I can't measure it, don't eat it. No food is off limits, but I need to know exactly how much I'm eating. I will do the best I can when it comes to eating out, which I plan to limit, but no more randomly grabbing chips, pretzels, jellybeans, etc. out of a bag. I'm going to eat all of my daily points, weekly extra points, and exercise points. I'm not sure if I'll go back to meetings, but it is an option if I choose. Another possibility is to get the Active Link system that WW is selling at the moment.
The last component is exercise. I must exercise for two reasons. One is to lose weight and gain health. The other is mental stability. As hard as it is to admit, I get depressed when I don't exercise. Very depressed. I cry a lot. It's all connected: lack of exercise, gain in weight, feeling of despair due to lack of exercise and gaining weight. It's not rocket science, but I seem to think it is due to the way I am treating myself. I'll start building my running base back up, I want to do my Insanity DVD's, and I want to get back to my weights to sculpt my muscles. I want to work out six days a week.
The last thing that has been running through my brain is a tangible goal to work towards. We are planning a week long trip to San Diego this summer. We are going to Sea World, zoo, Legoland, etc. It's going to be hot and sunny. I'm going to be in shorts. I want to feel good in those shorts. I'm sure we might go to the beach for a day. I am guessing there will be swimming at a hotel or at least hot tub nights for my honey and me! I want to buy a new bathing suit for the first time in YEARS! I want to feel good in that bathing suit. This gives me four and a half months to reach a certain goal. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'll be at goal in four and a half months, but by the time we go to San Diego, I want to be less than 150 pounds and I want to be a single size of clothing (8 or less). I think these goals are reasonable and attainable.
To summarize:
No excuses.
Work out six days a week.
Give up soda.
Track all food.
Sounds easy. Hmmmph. But it is very necessary.
I know this is a rambling and lengthy post. It was for me to get on "paper" what I am thinking and feeling. And I hope to be feeling better very, very soon.
Heather
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Awful Half
Not sure why this came out as one giant paragraph. I broke it up into many small ones, but they aren't showing up that way. I'll try to fix it later.
I ran a half marathon last Sunday. I use the term "run" quite loosely.
Let's just say that running the darn thing was simply be able to say I completed it. My time was my worst for the three halves I have done so far. Simply awful. I was hot. Out of shape. And lonely.
Eric and I participated in the California Classic Weekend bike ride the day before. We rode the shortest distance of 35 miles. It was so much fun! It's pretty dang cool riding your bike up the south side of freeway 168. I felt great. I felt challenged. I loved doing the ride with my husband.
That afternoon Eric and the kids took off for a soccer tournament. I had to stay home because my school was holding our annual Casino Night. I had to go. I just don't enjoy things as much without Eric around. I had a great time, but I missed my husband terribly. (I would never be a good military spouse. Eric was gone for one day, and I was pining.)
I got home late, but still got up early to go to the half marathon on Sunday morning. I had to drive myself there. Ewwww. I'm not the best or calmest person driving downtown and having to deal with parking. Luckily, that went okay.
I started the race trying to run .4 of a mile, walking for .10, running for .35 and walking for .25. That plan lasted for 2-3 miles. Then I started running for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds. That worked out better for me...until mile 11. It was at that point that I just ran out of steam.
I was wallowing in self pity that Eric and the boys weren't there with me, I was disgusted at myself for being so out of shape, I was made that I hadn't trained, I was screaming at myself in my head for gaining weight...and on and on.
I ended up walking the last two miles. I literally had to whisper to myself, "Hold it together. Hold it together." I can't tell you how many times I spoke that to myself. I wanted to cry, but I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop. The only thing worse than being alone and depressed would have been having to be carried off my medical aide. If I had started crying, I would have collapsed, and I would not have been able to tell anyone what was wrong because I'd have been crying or refusing to talk.
Oh, I forgot, I had also been fighting a pretty nasty cold since Friday. I was completely and utterly wiped out.
I found no joy in doing this half other than completing it for the second year in a row and getting my medal. I hope to always do this half. It's a weird goal I have to run it for as long as I can since it started.
I didn't even run across the finish line. I walked. Tears started at that point. I just grabbed my medal, grabbed some ice cream, and shuffled to my car. Driving myself home after a half sucked big time as well.
Needless to say, I didn't do much for the rest of the day. I did clean up the kitchen. That was quite taxing. The rest of the afternoon was spent waiting for my family to get home. I missed them so much.
I am glad I finished the half. I am not proud of my effort in any way shape or form. My body hurt so bad for three days post run.
Today is Saturday, and I am finally ready to do some deep thinking and pull myself together. Enough is enough. I could have had such a great experience had I put effort into it. Any effort at all. I really let myself down.
I plan to slowly build up to being able to maintain three miles. Then I'd like to keep that base for future training plans. It would be nice to not have to start over each time I want to run a half.
One thing I know without a doubt. I NEED to exercise. Not for weight loss (but that is a nice benefit), but for peace of mind, depression control, anxiety control, and balance. It is necessary in my life. I have to treat it as if it was as natural as brushing my teeth. It was to be one of my highest priorities. There can't be months of no movement. I just don't do well when I fall into a lazy trap.
And now, I'm off to eat Cheerios and exercise.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Cinco de Mayo
Exercise is feeling good. Eating too much. Gotta get that under control. However, I am tracking my points as best as I can.
Even though I am completely under trained, I plan to do the half in two weeks. I'll just run a little and walk a lot. Why not? I want my medal!
Distance: 2.11 miles
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Running
Tuesday 1.85 miles
Thursday 1.85 miles
Trying to make good decisions. It's been a good decision week.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Disco
Distance: 1.5 miles
I got on the treadmill again tonight. I watched Glee while run/walking.
At this point I am still so irritated with myself, that I'm having a hard time seeing the positive in the good choices I am making...even if it is just getting on the treadmill two days in a row. I'm too focused on being mad at losing the progress I made a few months ago. I'm trying really hard to put my mind in a better place.
I have to believe that I will again see a change if I keep moving forward.
I got on the treadmill again tonight. I watched Glee while run/walking.
At this point I am still so irritated with myself, that I'm having a hard time seeing the positive in the good choices I am making...even if it is just getting on the treadmill two days in a row. I'm too focused on being mad at losing the progress I made a few months ago. I'm trying really hard to put my mind in a better place.
I have to believe that I will again see a change if I keep moving forward.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Excuses
Here we go again. Falling out of shape. Getting back in shape. And the cycle continues.
Distance: 3.5 miles
I could explain all the reasons why I quit running, but I'd just sound whiny. In any case, I ran tonight.
Distance: 3.5 miles
I could explain all the reasons why I quit running, but I'd just sound whiny. In any case, I ran tonight.
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